If Kindergarten were like Social Media Marketing

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• After a stern lecture on the value of being authentic, little Richard Neuman courageously admits that during recess he pooed his pants and buried the evidence in the gravel under the blue slide. His bravery is not met with the loving acceptance the teacher had promised.
• Teachers explain that “What I did on summer vacation” doesn’t grab attention. Better is something actionable (“Five ways to have fun on summer vacation”) or provocative (“Why waterparks are more dangerous than you think”) or something personally relatable (“What Dora the Explora won’t tell you about summer vacation”).
• Children are encouraged to make at least one drawing or painting every day. Refrigerator art goes stale quickly and you want to stay top-of-mind with your parents.
• Rachel Davis, the most popular girl in class, writes an eBook explaining how other kids can get popular too. It’s well received from pre-K through third grade, but although it contains clear examples and actionable advice, somehow the unpopular kids still never get invited to the cool kids’ slumber parties.
• Learning that making nice comments about people helps forge relationships, little Bobby Gray compliments the entire kickball team. He is denied the coveted spot and earns the nickname “Bobby Bootlicker.”
• Children are admonished that having a lot of friends is not as important as having a few genuine friends who will play with you even after you throw up all over the good blocks in front of the whole entire class. The children agree in principle but little Patrick still cries when he gets only three stickers in his Valentine’s Day booklet.
• Little enterprising Genevieve Morrow puts Google ads on her finger paintings, but they don’t generate enough cash to cover her candy necklace habit. She finally starts making real money when she converts her afternoon lemonade stand to resell WordPress Themes to second graders looking to enhance their personal brand.

OK, class, what have we learned?

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